Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I Try To Make a Sound, But No One Hears Me.

Back again, it’s been quite a while since I’ve written down anything in here and that goes down to two reasons. Reason one, God only knows why I’ve been sick for about a month and it wasn’t really pleasant. Reason two, university. And I say the word carrying pure irritation towards it. Irritation because of the long classes, the lousy teachers, the annoying people, the long bus rides, the load of assignments and anything that has to be done in such a hot weather. Yet, being busy is much better than doing nothing at all, having to go out in the hot weather instead of staying in like a couch potato, busy yourself thinking of creative ideas for the new assignment instead of planting your face in front of a laptop screen searching through Facbook’s boring pages or watching a stupid You Tube video, enduring the lousy teachers and most important of all, giving hard time for annoying people you come across. So, on second thought, the word university should not carry a wave of irritation, more of a wave of work, open mind and spending time doing something useful. Thinking positively just supported all of the written above, but we don’t always have the ability to think in such a way, so I hope the next time I throw anything down here, it wont come in a negative energy that won’t help a bit.

That was academically speaking. On the other hand, emotionally, I’m pretty much exhausted. My mind is always busy with stuff I shouldn’t be thinking about, people who shouldn’t take that much space in my mind and problems my mind creates, that I can’t seem to find an answer for. I have truly changed and I don’t think any of the people close to me have noticed or understood that practically, and with that change came things I used to tolerate in the past that I can’t anymore, things I used to like that I don’t seem interested in now, things/people I loved whom I absolutely don’t care about anymore and others whom I used to neglect that seem to amuse me more now. Sometimes I get the feeling that no one understands me anymore, no one really gets it. Sometimes, I have to put on another face, someone -not me- just to be able to mingle with people normally. But, other times I can’t seem to do that and rather prefer to stay alone than have to change myself for people who don’t understand. It’s very rare now that I have a moment of the real me with other people, only the people I trust, only the ones I care about. Some would see that to be complicated, but I see it extremely clear and understood that I can really see the bigger picture that others have been trying to hide from their own selves.

But, I wake up everyday, I put on the happy face and go through with it cherishing the great moments, forgetting the bad ones and hoping for the best.

NM. 29.9.2010

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