Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Mer Noire


It was a dark night, she couldn’t even see her finger but she could feel the wind lingering on her skin. The sea was dark and cold, just like she always imagined it. She loved being by its side listening to the waves crash by the sand without seeing it. The sound put her heart and mind at ease.

She did finally find the moment where she could really be free of thought; the thoughts that poisoned her being. Every poisonous thought came out with a big long sigh. She really did have a lot on her mind.

She wanted to get out of here, away from her friends and family and everyone she knew. She wanted to walk in the street and not meet anyone she knew, she just wanted to observe life silently and write. She looked around for creativity from nature and the greenery that surrounded her. At least that’s the way she imagined the place she was going. “Where was I going anyway?” she thought.

She didn’t know, she only wanted peace and quiet. People were deceptive and obnoxious she couldn’t stand it anymore. It’s like her body was here but her mind wasn’t, somewhere where no one can tell her what to think or how to be, away from all the problems and the drama in the daily hectic energy drainers called days. After a while even home didn’t feel like home anymore. She goes and locks herself up in her room, in her own world till she could get a chance to be free. At night she’d dream she was trapped and the only way to get to the other side was to face her worst fears, whatever they were.

Why is life soo complicated with each passing minute, with each given breath? It gets harder and harder to grasp on to, that at some point letting go is just soo much easier. She remembered when she was a kid she used to sit up with her best friend and make up stories about their neighbors imagining one fat guy as Santa Claus, or the lady who had a very loud voice to be the mean witch. It was all about imagination and that’s it. Now, her brain was full of thoughts that weighed through her head, she couldn’t even remember a good story to re-tell herself. There was no more imagination or creativity passing through her mind. Each time she held her pen, she’d spend an hour staring at the white paper, afraid to write, afraid to lay all these dark thoughts on paper, terrified that those dark thoughts may take her down the road of depression. Then she’d say, will write later, maybe on a happy day, one happy thought. The happy thoughts were soo little soo small that she used to write them as small notes and hang them up her mirror to be able to see them every morning and start her new day.

Suddenly a wave of cold breeze touched her bare skin giving her Goosebumps, she thought it maybe a way of life agreeing to what’s on her mind right now. She was amazed how her line of thoughts took her down that road. Yet, she was pleased that for once she was able to think clearly, think things through. And more than anything in the world she wished to stay where she was, but she knew in her heart that at any moment she had to get back to her reality.

Why can’t I just run away; she thought. Why can’t I just walk towards the dark water, for once in my life not being able to see with my eyes, but knowing that wherever I’m going is better than where I am right now. Thoughts couldn’t help but come out. After all, she felt trapped, so any chance she got to let it out, she took that chance and embraced it.

She thought why not make new happy thoughts. Like this moment for example, this is a happy moment, she was sitting on the beach at night all alone, having time to think, not being told what to do.  Yet, it wasn’t about the beach, being alone or being able to think, it was about the personal space she couldn’t find anymore. She had done this to herself; she thought she let others linger into her mind with their disgusting habits affecting everything about her being. Why would she ever let that happen? She didn’t know. All she was sure about was that she’s in soo deep, she didn’t know how to get back on the surface. She simply needed to find herself again.

Floating. Even our body floats in the water, our heavy heavy body. Then why can’t our minds float up high, higher than our bodies, higher and free of gravity, of restrains? Because us and only us, frame ourselves in the bodies we were created in. No book says we shouldn’t let our souls wonder freely, even God asked us to do that, he asked us to wonder about life and our existence, yet we are soo sucked into the black holes in our life’s, blinded by our dippy habits.

She took a long breath; she felt the air sliding through her throat into her lungs with relief. Maybe someday, everyday she’d be able to breathe like this.

She got up, she left everything behind and headed towards the dark black sea, she didn’t know what was waiting there, but she knew that if she didn’t take this risk, just this once, she’ll go crazy anytime soon.


NM.2.8.2012

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